Ibiza Virgin? Here's Your Survival Guide | The Debrief
Published by The Debrief, July 2014
You’ve saved for months, MONTHS, for your blowout summer holiday to Ibiza. You’re rocking more fringing than Pocahontas and you’ve got at least ten kimonos in your suitcase. You’re a beach goddess in waiting (watch and learn Ursula Andress), and nothing can spoil your holiday vibes. It's not until you get on a Ryanair flight with a bunch of heathens wearing morph suits who pissed themselves en route that reality kicks in; Ibiza might not be the sun-kissed paradise you've been dreaming of. Worry not though sun-seekers, here’s how to navigate the pitfalls of any trip to Ibiza and come back (relatively) unscathed.
Avoid the Wild Wild West End
Unless you want to be an unwitting extra in Sun, Sea and Suspicious Parents, drink shots that taste like they’ve first been digested by a horse, and inadvertently sloshed through a river of human fluid, the West End in San Antonio is probably best avoided. Ibiza is SO MUCH MORE than over-sexed teenagers who’ve never been away from home and think Blue WKD is one of your five portions.
Play hard to get with the superclubs
While it’s a rite of passage to visit a superclub at least once, it can end up leaving a serious dent in your wallet, and neurones, if you rock up to Ushuaïa four nights on the bounce. Entrance fees, the price of drinks and taxi fares all add up. So, the best thing to do if you want some cash left over for a Toblerone at the airport is head to a free party, then all you need to worry about are the drinks. Give one of these a go: Café Mambo – some of the world’s most famous DJs play here live every night of the week plus the sunset is mega, Sands – owned by superstar DJ Carl Cox who regularly makes an appearance alongside other top DJs, Destino – electronic music maestro Luciano recently headlined the free opening party, and Ibiza Rocks Bar, where Ibiza Rocks House residents Doorly and 2ManyDJs frequently drop in for pre-party fun before heading to Pacha on a Monday night.
Occasionally, get home before sunrise
There’s nothing worse than walking through the streets at 7am, wide-eyed and resembling Britney circa 2007 (what a time to be alive). The locals will be on their way to work, and they will look at you with pity in their eyes. Getting home before the sun is up will also mean you avoid being propositioned by reprobates who’ve taken all of the drugs, or who claim to be billionaires with their own yachts. And it means you’ll actually be able to get some sleep, which may seem like cheating, but actually is pretty much essential if you’re in it for the long game or have a flight to catch in two hours' time. Tortoise and the hare, that’s all I’m saying.
Get into the recovery position
So yeah, even if you did sleep like a baby, chances are pretty high you’ll still wake up feeling like a badger sat on your face. You’re going to need some proper rehydration, fast. Luckily, in Ibiza there are an abundance of places that can help you on the road to recovery. Try The Skinny Kitchen in San Antonio; its menu is laden with low-carb, high protein meals that are way better for you than a grease-ridden fry-up. And head to Passion Café in Ibiza Town or Playa d’en Bossa where they do smoothies to-die-for/to stop you dying*. They’re loaded with superfoods like goji berries and açai to help heal your broken body, and they’re lip-smackingly tasty.
*Not scientifically proven but it did once help me through a particularly horrific paranoia-filled hangover. Happy memories.
Go forth and discover
Sometimes Ibiza gets a bad rep, and in actual fact it’s a beaut of an island that’s home to some of the world’s best nightlife, beaches, restaurants and sunsets. Get your Christopher Colombus hat on and explore, everyone. Try Los Pasajeros in Ibiza Town for dinner, it’s loaded with locals (always a good sign) and super-cheap; spend a beach day at Cala d’Hort with the mysterious Es Vedrà looming majestically in the distance; bid adieu to the sun at Sunset Ashram where the vibes are as laid-back Snoop Dogg after ten particularly phat reefers. Get off the beaten track a bit and chances are you won’t just survive; you’ll be coming back next year too. Brown Owl will be so proud.
Oh, and one last thing. Don’t get on any free flights to Peru. Just saying.
Illustration by Sara Andreasson.